"WHEN was the last time I felt truly happy?"
I was stumped, like a deer caught in the headlights, when I was faced with the question in an exercise during a workshop at work. In fact, I was multitasking that day. I didn't want to miss the workshop about goal-setting but I was knee-deep in paperwork. So I took my laptop with me, composing sentences in my head and typing away as I was half-listening to the lecturer and answering the exercises half-heartedly. Until. Until the last set of questions came up.
I was able to answer the rest: the last time I felt success, the last time I felt at peace and the last time i felt proud of myself. But happy? And that struck me hard. Because I always thought of myself as a cheerful person. I did a quick inventory of memories in my mind but I was coming up blank. My recent happy memory was when I was with my parents in Rome last year. I was happy then, but not completely so.
I didn't want to admit it but it bothered me so much because the truth is that all the happy memories I had were times spent with you. Since we broke up, I've stored all those moments and images in a place where I can't easily reach them. Because each picture, each trigger, brought back so much pain. I've been pretending to smile, pretending that I wasn't hurting because that's what grown ups do.
I never imagined that I would ever hear from you again. Yet there you were, like an apparition. For three days, I saw you.
Thank you for giving me back my smile. I was looking all over for it. I didn't realize it was with you all along.
So the answer to the question is -- WHEN YOU'RE IN MY LIFE. Yes life does go on without you. Yes I do the things I need to do because that's just who I am. That's how I deal with the world, everyone else first, myself last. But I am like an empty shell that gives without filling up again when I'm without you.
I'm happy that you're in my life again. It's as if we're getting to know each other all over again, building from a place where we left off. Life isn't perfect and we are our own imperfect selves. But love, forgiveness and understanding repairs those broken pieces.
Let's take our time to get to know these two individuals. This time from a place of honesty and trust. Like you said, a new chapter. Know that I'm not going anywhere. Because why would I want to be lost again?
